Madstrological Horoscopes

Fortnightly Celestial Wisdom
     from Tarotologist Esteban Bringerez & Astromysticist Kevinium Tizzardi

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
All your worries and woes come to an end this month when you discover a bottle of vodka is an adequate substitute for human love.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Mercury ascednent through Taurus means only one thing. Clive Owen will kick you in the neck while you sleep and then steal your good china.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You are advised to stay clear of the volcano this week, as the elders are speaking again of human sacrifice, and at 32, you are the only virgin left in the village.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
A unique and thriving colony of 742 species of bacteria and fungi is discovered by oncologists, a biochemical marvel hosting a possible cure for lymphatic cancer, but you just had to go and wash your jeans before they could thoroughly study it, didn’t you?

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Some call it male pattern baldness, but you know better. It’s a solar panel for a sex machine.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The Second Coming of Christ is somewhat lackluster when the first thing He insists on doing is to jam guitar in your Madness cover band.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Take to hiding beneath your desk at work. It is the only place on the planet where your horoscope does not apply.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Uncertainty looms over Scorpio. The only thing that remains certain at all is you’re still a world-class buttmunch. (Scorpio wants to know when you’re going to pay back that tenner.)

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your astrological muse riddles you this. What’s the difference between a black hole and your dismembered body in a burlap sack? Next week, there won’t be a black hole out in its garage.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It’s time to let bygones be bygones. Give Stephen Fry one final beating with the sock full of bar soap and set him free from your attic.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Prepare yourself for a well-deserved smiting when the county’s raunchiest pre-operative transvestites begin answering the personal ads you wrote for your vicar.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
Pisces has no future this month. After five months of late zodiac subscription fees, you can figure out your future for yourself.