Madstrological Horoscopes

Fortnightly Celestial Wisdom
From Tarotologist Esteban Bringerez & Astromysticist Kevinium Tizzardi

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars encourage you to continue treating your body like it is a temple. However, they also encourage you to switch to a religion that doesn’t worship rich, creamy cheesecake.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You live in constant dread that your girlfriend will uncover your secret shame. That’s just plain silly, though, as she has no idea where you buried the other seven nurses before her.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The uncontrollable rage you harbour will once again transform your baked potato into a plate of mashed potatoes.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Taurus the Bull rising through Uranus this month is going to leave you with one hell of a sore arse.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Avoid confrontation at work this week. Plan your attack well ahead of time so your boss doesn’t realize until it’s too late that you’re sneaking up behind him to brain him with the coffee maker.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
It’s strange the things we do for love, which for you means yet another midnight tryst to the local pig farm.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The disarming smile that you pride yourself upon will do you little good in disarming the bomb waiting for you to open the car door.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Go ahead and have another doughnut. The doughnut will never judge you then leave you.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Sitting on high upon the throne you built from the skulls of your enemies won’t stop people from continuing to laugh at you, considering it doesn’t take much to snap the necks of a few thousand parakeets.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You are typically emotionally closed off and it might be difficult for you to conjure the sentiment, but try to be happy for the excited young boys who will find your soggy, decapitated body floating in the old quarry next week.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Although you’re not usually the sentimental type, you will nonetheless be moved to tears this week by a routine colonoscopy gone horribly wrong.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
The stars remind you that if you continue to be unimpressed with your lover, true sexual satisfaction is always within arm’s reach for you.