Madstrological Horoscopes

Fortnightly Celestial Wisdom
     from Tarotologist Esteban Bringerez & Astromysticist Kevinium Tizzardi

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
All your worries and woes come to an end this month when you discover a bottle of vodka is an adequate substitute for human love.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Mercury ascednent through Taurus means only one thing. Clive Owen will kick you in the neck while you sleep and then steal your good china.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You are advised to stay clear of the volcano this week, as the elders are speaking again of human sacrifice, and at 32, you are the only virgin left in the village.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
A unique and thriving colony of 742 species of bacteria and fungi is discovered by oncologists, a biochemical marvel hosting a possible cure for lymphatic cancer, but you just had to go and wash your jeans before they could thoroughly study it, didn’t you?

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Some call it male pattern baldness, but you know better. It’s a solar panel for a sex machine.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The Second Coming of Christ is somewhat lackluster when the first thing He insists on doing is to jam guitar in your Madness cover band.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Take to hiding beneath your desk at work. It is the only place on the planet where your horoscope does not apply.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Uncertainty looms over Scorpio. The only thing that remains certain at all is you’re still a world-class buttmunch. (Scorpio wants to know when you’re going to pay back that tenner.)

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your astrological muse riddles you this. What’s the difference between a black hole and your dismembered body in a burlap sack? Next week, there won’t be a black hole out in its garage.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It’s time to let bygones be bygones. Give Stephen Fry one final beating with the sock full of bar soap and set him free from your attic.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Prepare yourself for a well-deserved smiting when the county’s raunchiest pre-operative transvestites begin answering the personal ads you wrote for your vicar.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
Pisces has no future this month. After five months of late zodiac subscription fees, you can figure out your future for yourself.

Hello this is Woody’s brother Nick here.

I am writing this short note to tell everybody about my musical projects and video disasters that are in the pipeline or out there for your perusal.

Firstly if you want to listen to some of my music you can listen to my MySpace music by going to www.myspace.com/nickywoodgate.

In my top favourite firends on MySpace you can find Jacana which is another of my bands which is a latin based three piece band that I love playing in but we are have a very slow output of songs recorded and have only finished two tunes to date one of which you can find on the Jacana myspace page by going to www.myspace.com/jacanaband

I had an album for sale on iTunes but have recently taken it off because I quickly became a millionaire and wanted time to spend my money. It was called Nicky Woodgate, and had the tunes Open up and Let Me In, Long Time Coming , Nashville Jam and Joy I Found. All of these were recorded in Nashville TN USA in 2002.

I will shortly have a new EP arriving on iTunes for sale called Storm and Stress, which includes 6 tracks of instrumental music. The tracks include; Blueberry Pie, Get Ready, Rolling Hills, Latin Love, 53rd Ocean and Clear For Landing available in top sound quality.

If you like YouTube you can see me in the crappiest ever film making production of two of my songs. If you search for Nicky Woodgate’s First Video and Nicky Woodgate’s Second Video you should find it or look me up under my user name which is nickywoodgate.

I play in a covers band most weekends and rarely do gigs but it’s normally is in the Mil Hill area of North London near to our rehearsal rooms. We don’t have a name for our covers band. I play a blue Strat through a Peavy valve amp in the covers band - which is another three piece affair and we play 60’s and 70’s hits for the likes of the Stones, The Beatles, The Kinks and The Who, loud and proud and a good laugh if ever I had one.

May you cherish your friends and loved ones and family because they are the reason for all your present happiness.

Love from Nick