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Madstrological Horoscopes - 15th March 2009

Posted by admin on Mar-14-2009

Madstrological Horoscopes

Fortnightly Celestial Wisdom
     from Tarotologist Esteban Bringerez & Astromysticist Kevinium Tizzardi

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
All your worries and woes come to an end this month when you discover a bottle of vodka is an adequate substitute for human love.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Mercury ascednent through Taurus means only one thing. Clive Owen will kick you in the neck while you sleep and then steal your good china.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You are advised to stay clear of the volcano this week, as the elders are speaking again of human sacrifice, and at 32, you are the only virgin left in the village.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
A unique and thriving colony of 742 species of bacteria and fungi is discovered by oncologists, a biochemical marvel hosting a possible cure for lymphatic cancer, but you just had to go and wash your jeans before they could thoroughly study it, didn’t you?

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Some call it male pattern baldness, but you know better. It’s a solar panel for a sex machine.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The Second Coming of Christ is somewhat lackluster when the first thing He insists on doing is to jam guitar in your Madness cover band.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Take to hiding beneath your desk at work. It is the only place on the planet where your horoscope does not apply.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Uncertainty looms over Scorpio. The only thing that remains certain at all is you’re still a world-class buttmunch. (Scorpio wants to know when you’re going to pay back that tenner.)

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your astrological muse riddles you this. What’s the difference between a black hole and your dismembered body in a burlap sack? Next week, there won’t be a black hole out in its garage.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It’s time to let bygones be bygones. Give Stephen Fry one final beating with the sock full of bar soap and set him free from your attic.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Prepare yourself for a well-deserved smiting when the county’s raunchiest pre-operative transvestites begin answering the personal ads you wrote for your vicar.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
Pisces has no future this month. After five months of late zodiac subscription fees, you can figure out your future for yourself.

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Madstrological Horoscopes - 1 March 2009

Posted by admin on Feb-28-2009

Madstrological Horoscopes

Fortnightly Celestial Wisdom
From Tarotologist Esteban Bringerez & Astromysticist Kevinium Tizzardi

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars encourage you to continue treating your body like it is a temple. However, they also encourage you to switch to a religion that doesn’t worship rich, creamy cheesecake.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You live in constant dread that your girlfriend will uncover your secret shame. That’s just plain silly, though, as she has no idea where you buried the other seven nurses before her.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The uncontrollable rage you harbour will once again transform your baked potato into a plate of mashed potatoes.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Taurus the Bull rising through Uranus this month is going to leave you with one hell of a sore arse.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Avoid confrontation at work this week. Plan your attack well ahead of time so your boss doesn’t realize until it’s too late that you’re sneaking up behind him to brain him with the coffee maker.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
It’s strange the things we do for love, which for you means yet another midnight tryst to the local pig farm.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The disarming smile that you pride yourself upon will do you little good in disarming the bomb waiting for you to open the car door.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Go ahead and have another doughnut. The doughnut will never judge you then leave you.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Sitting on high upon the throne you built from the skulls of your enemies won’t stop people from continuing to laugh at you, considering it doesn’t take much to snap the necks of a few thousand parakeets.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You are typically emotionally closed off and it might be difficult for you to conjure the sentiment, but try to be happy for the excited young boys who will find your soggy, decapitated body floating in the old quarry next week.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Although you’re not usually the sentimental type, you will nonetheless be moved to tears this week by a routine colonoscopy gone horribly wrong.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
The stars remind you that if you continue to be unimpressed with your lover, true sexual satisfaction is always within arm’s reach for you.

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Madstrological Horoscopes - 15 February 2009

Posted by admin on Feb-18-2009

Madstrological Horoscopes

From Tarotologist Esteban Bringerez & Astromysticist Kevinium Tizzardi

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your faith in mankind is renewed when you see a homeless man jump into a frozen pond to save a drowning dog. You choose to ignore when the dog goes straight from the water to the barbecue.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
It’s a good time to work on your crippled self-esteem, you worthless soggy pile of buffalo squeeze.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You’ll do well to recognize there are only two types of people in life: Those who agree with everything you say without question and drunk Irishmen.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You are oft accused of being wholly incapable of loving anyone or anything, but they forget legless sheep that can’t run away.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Sure, the truth may set you free, but sometimes it lands you a life sentence for brutally butchering the town minister.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The stars are wondering if you’ve ever talked to a woman without having to give your credit card number first.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You don’t know what hurts more: Your ex-spouse’s restraining order keeping you at least fifty feet away at all times, or the 4000 watt tazer that reaches exactly fifty feet.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
To your criminal chagrin, you’ll learn there is no age-old adage saying how to effectively dispose of the baby after the bathwater.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
There will always be laughter in your life, except when you turn around to see what the hell is so damned funny.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
If your current romantic relationship is crushing your very spirit, leaving you feeling battered and bruised, don’t go blaming yourself. You didn’t really get to choose your cell mate.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
It is said madness is all in the mind, but ever since you lost your bottle of lithium, the tiny ballerina fur seal that lives inside your nose keeps telling you that madness instead resides entirely within Michael Caine’s spleen. Barring any evidence to the contrary, you are inclined to agree.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
Fortune will smile upon you this week, but it’ll be in that crappy, smug, self-satisfied way that Fortune gets when it knows something you don’t and refuses to tell you.

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